Sunday morning, late for church. Settled into my passenger seat with news for the driver: pregnant. Yes, I checked twice. And yes, even the cheap, generic sticks I bought are supposed to be accurate.
Sometimes I ache to go back to that day and make it different. Sometimes I think, But if we would’ve waited just one more month to try. One more day. We could’ve spared Annie from so much. From cold, lonely, bed-ridden days right out of the womb when we both wanted her swaddled tight and nestled against me. From a deep incision to break her sternum and cut on her 5-day-old heart. From hundreds of blood draw needle pierces and IV sticks. From weeks spent staring at hospital-tiled ceilings instead of my smiling face. From clinging to life and fighting with every pain-filled breath after yet another incision, sternal break, and more cardiac cuts.
No one wants her child to endure such horrors in 3 short months. And another truth I’m not afraid to admit is that no parent wants to endure the horrors either. No one wants a child like that.
But I know it couldn’t have, wouldn’t have, shouldn’t have been different. The most unloving thing I could do is “spare or save” my child from the life that God has for her. It’s beyond easy to naively think that my ideas for a healthy, normal Annie would’ve been better for all of us.
God knew what he was doing when we were pregnant with one try. When it was Annie who showed positive on the sticks last August. And out of his great love, he made Annie with half of a heart and gave her to our family. And out of his great love, he’s drawing both of our hearts toward his through her precious, valuable life.
“There are no ‘ifs’ in God’s kingdom. His timing is perfect. And there are no places safer than other places. The center of His will is our only safety. His will is our hiding place. Let us pray that we will always know it. ‘Lord Jesus, keep me in Your will. Don’t let me go mad poking about outside of it.'” Corrie Ten Boom