If I could write a letter to me and send it back in time to myself circa 2013, to whoever I was pre- life-shattering news day…it’d sound a lot like a letter I might write to you, circa today, pre- life-shattering news in your life.
Know that when it comes, it’s going to be hard and awful and overwhelming and life-altering but also okay. But it’s not okay in an easy, glossy statement that many people who were afraid to step in and get messy painfully shared with us, “God is good and He will heal her. You don’t worry about a thing. It’ll all be just fine.”Or even better, “Wow! You must be so overjoyed that God is testing your faith this way! You know what James says about suffering!” I silently wondered how overjoyed they’d feel if they were told they might never meet their unborn baby and if they somehow happened to, untold nightmares awaited them. But it is okay because of a different difficult but comforting truth: “God is with you wherever you go.”
So I guess the biggest thing I’d write to my former self (and to you) is to start questioning today, “When is God good?” If you grew up in church, you know the recited answer: All the time, God is good! God is good, All the time! But what do you really believe? Before Annie’s diagnosis, I so naively and insensitively said things like, “God is so good! He gave us a healthy Audrey!” Or, “We are so blessed to have a healthy baby.” After Annie’s diagnosis, I had several people ask me if I still thought God was good, because honestly they weren’t sure anymore. And if He was, then He surely wouldn’t have our family endure this.
Well, I still believe that He’s good. Because what makes Him good has nothing to do with Audrey’s heart health or Annie’s heart unhealth or any other circumstance in my life. What makes Him good is His nature. He is good because He sacrificed His only son on our behalf that we would have an opportunity to spend eternity with Him. That’s good enough, even if Annie’s heart is never whole here on this earth! Even if she doesn’t make it through tomorrow. Even if we get more life-shattering news next week.
It’s not easy. It’s not wanted. But God is still who He is, which means He’s still good–today, tomorrow, yesterday, and all those days that I had no idea we’d ever face the days we are living. But He knew. And that’s good enough for me.
“God is so good. God is so good. God is so good. He’s so good to me.”