Every day I pray for Annie’s health, for Annie’s heart. Those are the prayers I pray out loud. But every night there’s another prayer that I can only barely whisper.
“Hold you me. Again again!” Annie squealed and spun, dipped and giggled. If he put her down to catch a quick breath, she shot her arms up, pinched her fingers at him, and begged, “Again again!”
Annie didn’t have to do much convincing for the game to go on. My brother must’ve twirled her for at least half an hour, over and over, tickling, hugging, nuzzling, loving her little cheeks again and again.
When she finally tired of the kitchen tile dance floor, she remembered the bowl of icy red punch. She knocked her fists together to sign and audibly demanded, “More more!” The family punch recipe has been a hit with every generation yet. I refilled her mini cup and helped myself to another scoop too. More punch is always right.
As we head into a new year, I keep hearing that we need to put things behind, hope for something new, set our sights on a dream ahead. I’m tempted to make resolutions like I want to change _____ or I’ll do less of _____.
But no. Not in 2016. Not with Annie. Not today.
Each night I tuck Annie back into her bed. I kiss her plump lips. I hover over her round cheeks. I stroke back a stray curl. And I whisper, whimper, bargain, plead, “God, please, I want to do this again tomorrow.”
The part of CHD life I never knew to prepare for is the reality that any tomorrow could change every day for the rest of our lives. The part of heart mom life that is harder than anything else is living with the unknown.
So in a new year I want more more, again again. I want another year like the last one with happy, healthy Annie, getting good reports, outliving prognoses.
In a new year I want more more, again again of God’s nearness and mercies enough for today while I wonder about tomorrow.
In a new year I want more more, again again of the grace to believe that whatever God’s plan is for my family is in fact the right plan for my family.
In a new year I want more more, again again and every night I’m going to keep praying I get it.