It’s Always Enough

I have to write this now while I believe it.  Because when it comes time to live it tomorrow morning at 5:45,  I’ll need to already have it etched in my soul.

When it comes time to board the plane waiting for us in the still dark night, I need to believe that I’ve had enough sleep.

When it comes time to hug my 5-year-old goodbye for who knows how long, I’ll need to know she’ll be loved enough while I’m gone.

When it comes time to kiss my husband farewell to live separate lives fighting for our daughter’s life, I’ll need to be reassured that we’re both doing enough to care for our family.

When it comes time to check into Annie’s CHOP hospital room tomorrow afternoon that is currently reserved for us, I’ll need to convince both of us that we’re brave enough to live there again.

When it comes time to listen to the doctors about Annie’s care, I need to know that they’re smart enough and caring enough to partner with me in advocating for her life.

It’s no secret that I regularly ask God for something else. For extra. For another. For more.

-More time as a family of 4 together.

-Better health for Annie.

-Extra joy so that she doesn’t know what’s happening to her failing body.

-Another chance to love her well and enjoy her for a too-short moment

-Even just one more day that she wakes up healthy enough, and I wake up brave enough, to do it all over again.

What I’ve been reminded of lately is that even though I want so much more than what I’m right now getting, what God gives is always enough.

He’s giving us enough courage to do what He’s calling us to do.  He’s giving us enough clarity to know which route to take. He’s giving us enough financial provision to travel across the country for Annie’s care. He’s giving us more days, more doctors, more possible solutions for more time with Annie.

Annie is sick. So sick that I don’t want tomorrow to ever come. I’m afraid of what the doctors will say when we check into the 6th floor. I’m afraid of the truth about what’s wrecking Annie’s body. I’m afraid of what feels like too few options we might have left.

IMG_3336

I want to stay here in the hallway eavesdropping on Audrey reading. I want to stay here in the hallway watching Annie sleep. But as cozy as it feels, it’s not safe here for Annie anymore. IMG_3334

So Annie’s button down pjs are zipped up tight, ready to be secured over IV lines tomorrow. My travel shampoo bottles are filled, ready to be perched on hospital bathtub edges. Our fuzzy slippers are squished down in, ready for snuggling and healing in the eerie safety of a Philadelphia hospital room.  IMG_3335

And in 12 short hours, tomorrow will surely come. But I can be certain that even though I feel so not ready, that what God gives will be enough.

Advertisements

8 thoughts on “It’s Always Enough

  1. marsha says:

    Please know Tracy, precious Mommy, you and your family are so loved and so prayed for . I can’t put into words but you have touched my heart by sharing your real life hourly journey. Thank you for making sure your baby girls know they are so cherished and so dearly loved – just as God loves and treasures us .

    Like

  2. janice degruy says:

    I remember these emotions well. I don’t think i was as mature as you in many ways. Just know not only do you have a Heavenly Father who loves you and Annie more than you can ever fathom, you also have so many people asking Him to bring you and your family just what He knows you need (even want) We are praying for Annie, you and your family daily, if not more. PRaying you feel HIS presence in every breath that you take, every word that you hear and every minute you are separated from your family. He sees you , He knows you and HE loves you all so much. Praying you feel the love and peace in this part of the journey! Blessings,Jan DeGruy

    Like

  3. Lindsey says:

    We are praying non stop for you and your beautiful family. God has plans for your precious girl and we pray that you feel the peace that passes all understanding as you go through this.

    Like

  4. Leslie J. Moore says:

    Love you all so much! I am forever more grateful for Annie’s hug at the Christmas Eve Service. It meant the world to me. She is very precious!!! God touches so many lives through her and your family as you live out your faith. Mary Catherine and I just paused and prayed over you, Annie, Audrie and Coach Lane. May God bless you and keep you and may His face continue to shine upon you and Annie. We prayed over the physician’s and nurses care for you. We prayed for healing and for gentle answers.

    Like

  5. Mary Bennett says:

    The word I felt I should choose for this year is “enough”.. I am reminded by your post tonight that perspective totally changes the significance of a word’s meaning. I will be reminded each time I apply this word to my life to pray for Annie, you and your family that God will and is always enough in every situation you encounter. We know that His power was enough to raise Jesus from the dead and that same power lives in us as believers. This gives us faith to believe that His power is enough to heal Annie and raise her to a strong and healthy life.
    Praying for you as you go and those that will care for ALL of you!!
    Love you!!!!

    Like

  6. Dee says:

    Going boldly before the throne of our Great God for you & Annie, big sister & daddy! Especially praying for the doctors & nurses to guide their hands & hearts!
    I’m not too far-just an hour away in Lancaster, Pa if you need a hug!!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s